>> Wednesday, March 28, 2007
Though i have to admit, i always thought he was saying 'spending cheese' for some reason. Like 'cheese' was the new ebonic for money or something. Er, nevermind...
But i wish to GOD i had some G's to spend, as the roster for the trailer recording was full and i don't have the chance to sing for $ this weekend. Sucks so bad cause it's not my fault the friggin' lady never checked her email in time for me to get on it! And i sent her 2 emails! And i needs the monies!
Urg, damn morality, damn the airtight job market, damn the need for mental health, and damn the high cost of california living. If i wasn't so afraid of being a hippie, i'd be one, live in yunno, the wilderness and all, eating...seeds and stuff...twigs. But i'm NOT a hippie and i am scared of bears, wolves, coyotes, clowns, the darkness (not THE Darkness (ok, well THE Darkness as well)), things that make noise, pine nuts, so i'm really stuck where i am.
But about the monies, need some, need MORE. And not even so that i can buy shit, cause shit should be free, but just so's i can live comfortably, have a beer out sometimes, go to a movie, etc without worrying about taking monies from groceries to do so. OOooh, i just remembered that i have a deposit coming back to me in the next month, fweedle, that will give me a nice blanket if something comes up, like a trip to hawaii maaaaaaaybe?
I guess i get so whiny and tired of being poor because i've never been poor before. Up until after college, my family always had money to do fun things, we weren't rich mind you, but we were very comfy. My parents always gave me money, never asked what i did with it, as long as i didn't come home with slutty clothes, which i rarely did. During the summers i was waitressing, and making some damn fine money at it as well, so i always had funding to save a little and go out with Aisha a lot. Then after college, depression set in, i never wanted to get out of bed to work, couldn't find a decent job (had no office xp and those are the well paying jobs), lived with (bleh) Devin (and we all know how well that was on my sanity), and my parent's airline went bankrupt leaving my dad with no retirement money and my mom with a 25% pay cut. Ever since 2005 it's been one crap-doodle storm after another, and only now do i have my hand touching the surface of the tar pond i was so unwillingly heaved into.
If i knew then what i know now, i probably would not have saved more. It's easy to want to believe that i would have bought one less power ranger toy, went to one less club, but i was happy doing what i was doing and even if i had an extra $100 right now, it wouldn't make me feel any better. Quite frankly, it's not for myself i want things to be better for, it's my parents i care more about. I wish the airline didn't make my father retire at 60 because of some archaic rule that somehow allows my mom to fly until she's dust, but my dad to stop right in his prime. I wish it hadn't gone bottom-out and cancelled out a lot of money for employees. I wish my father didn't have to work because his retirement pension was cut, i also wish that his job didn't require so much of him so that he comes home utterly exhausted all the time. I wish all that hadn't led to him having a heart attack. I wish my mom didn't have to fly full-time in order to afford the re-mortgage on the house, which was supposed to be paid off years ago. I wish she was less tired, both of my parents in fact, so that when i call them they can do more than just bitch about how bad things are and i don't seem to help or understand. I wish that instead of working to the knuckle, they could actually enjoy their life, enjoy their family, so that none of use felt like we were missing out on each other. (re reading that, maybe i should make more of an effort now in my young adult life to save some money in case something like this happens...)
Then there's the more selfish reasons, like i wish they could send me my car so that i didn't have to bike 6 miles to work every morning in the bitter cold, but mostly i want things to be ok so that my parents are ok. My biggest fear in life, scarier than the dark, murderers, zombies, etc, is that one day my parents will suddenly die and i will have missed out on all this time with them. I call them, i talk to them and listen, but they're so far away and i need them so much that it's heartbreaking to think of having them be gone without seeing them first. I haven't seen my dad in years, do you read that, YEARS, and that may not be so bad, but i am really REALLY close to my parents. Some people are so-so with their rents, hate them, get along, but i really get along with my parents and we are so close, they truly are the hugest part of me.
Since his heart attack, my dad has lost some weight, i've seen in pictures, but there's this ghostly fatigue to his face that frightens me to the core. Our relationship has suffered in the past years due to a number of things, and is only now starting to rebuild itself. Just thinking about him makes me tear and want to bawl my eyes out, i love him so much, and he's just so damn far away. I want to have good time with him before the ghost is all there is left, and i truly feel like my time is running out. The sad fact is that my parents, no matter how much i want them to, will not be around long enough for my kids to remember. I hope and pray and ask as many deities as i can that this will not be the case, but the fear/realization that it may well be is a sad but good buffer fron if/when it comes to fruition.
Truth is, i have to be happy having less money, happy with less stuff, doing less things, and treasure that which i have, the full richness of life without clutter, enjoying my family and friends now, no matter their proximity, and taking all of life's good and bad at the same time while maintaining a bright outlook for the future. BLARGEN FRUNKER MUNKERS AND BERRIES!!! Sooooo easy to say, soooooo hard to do! But i am tryin' i really really really am!
(but yeah, i still wish i had more money, not willing to sell out for it though, and there's my downfall...)