>> Monday, December 18, 2006

Nothing's really burning today, unless you take notice of the annual consumer-driven xmas blaze quiety singeing my buttocks as i la-la-la with my fingers in my ears trying to make it go away. Thanks to an agreement to not buy presents within our friend group, and the inevitable f*ck up of ACS to get my paycheck to my bank (which is in Hawai'i, and no, i will not f*cking get a bank account here, it's not my perrogative to help you out when i signed up for direct deposit and YOU screwed up AGAIN, and have no idea why!?) i have thus survived the mad dash to the cash register. However, ACS's lovely holiday Oopsie! also has me eating ramen every night. Honestly i wouldn't mind the crowds so much, seeing as how i'm only getting 3 presents total, but the fact that i have to wait another 3 days at least for any kind of $ for (1st) groceries, (2nd) evan's parents, (3) bills, (4) savings, and lastly presents, is putting me on pins and needles. The knowledge that i have to do all my shopping 4 days and less from Christmas makes me want to get a rusted needle and pierce my own... well, you can use your imagination.

From the palm trees swaying gently in the bright midday sun, you'd never know it was christmas time here in California. Oh gee, it reminds me of every single other sunny xmas i had back home in Hawaii, - about 90% humidity. Nothing takes me back to my childhood than the feeling of sweat running down my face as i ran down the stairs those chrismas mornings long ago. I'll be sure to provide evan with a spray bottle so he can mist me down as soon as i wake up.

Naturally with the holidays comes the greatly encouraged and much detested "personal reflection period", the time where we collectively list all our shortcomings and guilt trip ourselves into being "better people", which we conveniently abandon a few weeks into January when we realize that all the new year bullsh*t is just that, bullsh*t, and that we're just as shallow, overweight, depressed, self-serving, gluttonous, and carnal as we always were. Then comes the February hump where we think no, i can change my life, i can be a better person, mother, father, friend, i can be happier, skinnier, less materialistic... we throw out all our candy, go to whole foods, take a walk around the block in a new jogging suit, buy a self-help book, bake a pie from scratch, and watch some dr phil.

Valentines Day rolls around, and we down our own bodyweight in chocolate (cause our wonderful significant others bought so much, or cause we are alone and stood in line at Sees pretending that the 4 boxes of peanut brittle are NOT for us). Sadly, we return to our panty-hose-n-pump jobs crying baaa-baaa-sad-sheep all the way, snuggle ouselves in a 401k, and try to remember that there are people dying in Africa so our lives must not be SO bad (but we still feel meaningless).

The prozac-orgie refills run out around Halloween, and we realize that lo and behold the "holidays" are coming up and we'll have yet another chance to change our lives and truly be happy. We eagerly clamp on to the somatic nipple of consumerism, comforted through another personal reflection, and suckle on happily to new years... waking up in a daze a few weeks later not knowing how we got 3 gym membership cards, a golden retriever, $3000 credit card bills, and is that a (positive!?) precnancy test on the counter!?


Holy crap, i just depressed myself.


Toast count: 2 (but the day is still young)


Anonymous,  December 18, 2006 at 1:05 PM  

I know you're not much of a Radiohead fan, but this reminds me of some lyrics:

Fitter, happier, more productive,
not drinking too much,
regular exercise at the gym
(3 days a week),
getting on better with your associate employee contemporaries,
at ease,
eating well
(no more microwave dinners and saturated fats),
a patient better driver,
a safer car
(baby smiling in back seat),
sleeping well
(no bad dreams),
no paranoia,
careful to all animals
(never washing spiders down the plughole),
keep in contact with old friends
(enjoy a drink now and then),
will frequently check credit at (moral) bank (hole in the wall),
favors for favors,
fond but not in love,
charity standing orders,
on Sundays ring road supermarket
(no killing moths or putting boiling water on the ants),
car wash
(also on Sundays),
no longer afraid of the dark or midday shadows
nothing so ridiculously teenage and desperate,
nothing so childish - at a better pace,
slower and more calculated,
no chance of escape,
now self-employed,
concerned (but powerless),
an empowered and informed member of society
(pragmatism not idealism),
will not cry in public,
less chance of illness,
tires that grip in the wet
(shot of baby strapped in back seat),
a good memory,
still cries at a good film,
still kisses with saliva,
no longer empty and frantic like a cat tied to a stick,
that's driven into frozen winter shit
(the ability to laugh at weakness),
healthier and more productive
a pig in a cage on antibiotics.

SnrIncognito December 18, 2006 at 1:25 PM  

very nice rant. sounds like someone has discovered some inner truth. cynical communists everywhere would be proud.

are those lyrics when theyre spoken monotone over a vocoder?

yeaaahtoast December 18, 2006 at 1:56 PM  

Are you kidding NICO? I LOVE RADIOHEAD! Evan's the one who's not so into them. And i totally forgot that song!

Anonymous,  December 18, 2006 at 2:38 PM  

haha oops, you're right. but yeah, that song is "fitter, happier" and it's not a song as much as it is a monologue.

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